Hate the Club, Love The Club

I remember when I was still living in Hampton Virginia and my homeboys were living here in the DC metro area they would always tell me about the nightclub Dream (now called Love). I remember them telling me about how big it was, all of the concerts that they would have there, and how there were so many bad chicks in there. So naturally I wanted to check it out. I mean, it was better than the hotest nightclub in Hampton Roads (The Alley) where you aren't even allowed to bring your cell phone inside (to this day, I have no idea why).

So one Thursday I came to DC for a Friday job fair to see if I could get a job in DC. Well, that Friday I got a job offer so I called my homeboy who I was staying with and told him that we were going to celebrate my job offer at Dream. That night I got dressed in a pair of my nicest slacks, dress shirt, and shoes to go experience the phenomenon called Dream. When I walked in, it was more than what I expected. 4 floors of the finest women DC had to offer. I knew right then that this was going to be one of my favorite spots.

As the years passed, I visited Dream countless times, then they changed the name to Love. When it was Dream, I never had a bad experience. But as soon as they changed the name to Love it all went down hill. Now not every night was a bad night, but they definitely outweigh the good nights I had in there. Let's look at some of my not so good nights in there.

• Paid $60 for a VIP ticket to see Nas in concert. Paid another $20 to park and when I walked to the 2nd floor, I see Nas is already on stage performing Made You Look. I look at my watch and it's 11:30 so I'm thinking that he just got on stage. WRONG! After he finished performing Made You Look he says "That's my time DC, I love yall" and walked off the stage. I was pissed off. I later found out that the concert started at 10:30.







• About 4 months later Nas returned to Love. This time I was determined not to miss his performance so I got to the club at 9:30. Bad idea. He didn't perform until 12:45 and left the stage at around 2. Four and a half hours in the club was way too much for me. The performance was great and he even brought Jadakiss on stage to perform, but damn I waited 3 hours to see the performance.







• Went to love one extra frosty winter Friday night with one of my homeboys. Since I didn't want to pay to park, I decided to park on West Virginia Ave. Bad idea. As I approached my car I saw my Armor All on the floor and wondered why my homeboy just threw my Armor All on the floor. Then I realized that the entire contents of my glove compartment were scattered all over the car. Then I realized that my window was busted. As I looked to see what was taken from the car I realize that they left my D&G shades, my car stereo, and my bottle of liquor that I was drinking before I went into the club. I had to drive all the way back to Maryland with no window in the middle of January. To make it worse I realized that the thief only took a sweat suit which was my dad's Christmas present which I hadn't given to him. $165 to replace the window and all they stole was a sweat suit.







• Went to Love with my homeboy to see Jay Z perform. Paid $20 to get in split the $20 parking charge and went inside. As we were waiting for Jay to take the stage, I noticed that people were on the stage and there was no DJ set up on stage. I started to get a bad feeling. At about 1:30 Jay Z hits the stage. Not to perform, but to stand on stage drinking Ace of Spades and talking to his homies. I really felt bad for the fools who bought VIP tickets for $100.

• Tried to go to Love during the AKA national convention week. Went to the ATM machine and took out $60. I figured that if it was a good enough party, I would start a tab for drinks. As I'm flying down New York Ave trying to get to the club, I ended up running a red light and saw the cameras flashing. So, by the time I get to the parking lot I'm already pissed off. After I paid my $20 to park, I get to the line and check my pockets and find that I only have $20 left. I realized that I must have dropped a $20 and if they were charging more than $20 at the door I'd be looking like a jackass. So I walked back to my car and just went home. I waisted $40 and didn't even get in the club. Well somebody got 2 or 3 free drinks on me.







• Last time I went to Love, New York Ave was so packed and parking was so jacked up that we ended up driving all the back towards the Convention Center and taking a cab. After we finally got into the club I ended up going in on a bottle of Kettle One vodka. The bottle was $250. I thought to myself "How much does Love pay for this bottle"? Maybe $15-$20 wholesale. But we get charged over 10 times what they pay. Then to top it off, it took about an hour to get a cab back to the car. DC is just like New York when it comes to a black man getting a cab. Cabs would bypass us and pick up chicks right in front of us. When we did get a cab, I was ready to cuss dude out until I realized he was the only cabbie cool enough to pick up a group of black men.

This weekend it's Howard's homecoming, so P-Diddy will be hosting the party at Love on Friday. Tickets are already going for $40 and trust me it will be so crowded in there that you will not be able to move. No thanks. I'm done with Love the Club. The End!!!!!!

Storytime: Skateboard P Goes To Juvie

I was just sitting back thinking about random crazy events from my youth and thought about an incident from the sixth grade. So everyone gather around to listen to the story "Skateboard P Goes to Juvie".

This story takes place in an urban middle school in the heart of the hood in Newport News Virginia. It was a little after lunch and I was sitting in Mr. Barnes' class fighting the "itis" and listening to him talk about something that I really didn't care about. Next thing I know I hear Ca-kunk, ca-kunk, kunk © Lupe Fiasco . As soon as I said to myself "That sounds like a skateboard", I see this dude go flying by the doorway on a skateboard. Now, I know it's now not out of the ordinary to see a inner city black kid skateboarding today, back in 1989 you really didn't see much. So that struck me as odd. So Mr. Barnes stopped mid-sentence and gave the class a look like I know this fool aint riding a skateboard in the hallway. Next thing I know, Mr. Barnes just took off out of the door. Now Mr. Barnes was about 5'6 and 350 pounds but he took off like Christain Okoye from the Kansas City Chiefs.

So the class sat there in silence still shocked that (A) this fool was skateboarding in the hallway and (B) Mr. Barnes was that damn fast.

So about 5 minutes has passed when Mr. Barnes walked back into the classroom with his hands behind his back. All of a sudden he cracks a smile and holds up the skateboard in one hand like he just won the WWF championship belt.

The class went crazy. People were cheering, giving high fives, and one chick got up and started doing the Cabbage Patch.

So after the class had calmed down and Mr. Barnes went back to teaching we hear a knock at the door. It was the school guidance counselor, the school resource officer (security guard), and Skateboard P. The guidance counselor comes in the room and says "Mr. Barnes, this young man has an apology he'd like to give you". Skateboard P with dried tears on his face sniffles and says "YOU BEST TO GIVE ME BACK MY SKATEBOARD, OR I'M GONNA KILL YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS". So the school resource officer quickly puts him in the full nelson and escorts him out the class and down the hall. Mr. Barnes leaves out of the class and goes down towards the principals office. 5 minutes later, we look out of the window and see Skateboard P being loaded into a police car.

After Mr. Barnes returned, he had us all write witness reports as Skateboard P caught a charge for threatening the teacher.

I wonder what happened to Skateboard P. Mr. Barnes never said what happened when he went to court and dude never came back to school. I pray that he got his life together and isn't out on the streets threatening people.

The World's Largest Job Fair

Let me first start off by saying, I HATE JOB FAIRS. They are usually too damn crowded and I hate saying the same damn thing over and over to each company about why they should hire me. But, I’m kind of tired of working at my current job, and I wanted to test the waters (Not to mention, I can use the new job pay increase). So, I attended to the National Black Masters in Business Administration Association (NBMBAA) conference in Washington DC this past week. This was a good opportunity to network with others as there were over 12,000 professionals, industry experts, recruiters, community leaders, students, and industry movers and shakers in attendance. In my two days of being at the convention center at the job fair I came up with a few rants and comments.

· If this is the National BLACK MBA conference, why in the hell were there so many white, Middle Eastern, and Asian people attending. I’m not racist or anything, but sheesh can us black people have something to ourselves? What's next white people in Harlem or South East DC? Nevermind....

· The job fair was not free. There were at least 200 different companies and government agencies that paid to be in attendance. So why was it not free? The worst part is, for someone like me who has already graduated it was $150 to register for the job fair. Luckily, I still have my student ID from 1997 and 2001 so I only had to pay $50 to register. I tell you what; I will never get rid of my student ID. Hell I still use it at the movies to get the discounted rate. I’m 30 using an ID with a picture taken when I was 18. Until the card falls apart, I'm still gonna use it.

· Props to Diageo for throwing a party at Love on Thursday night. If you don’t know, their products include Ciroc, Baileys, Tanqueray, and Smirnoff. The party was open bar all night so I was drinking Ciroc and lemonade and calling it Ciroc Obama © P-Diddy.

· Magic Johnson spoke about how hard it was for him to get financing for his business ventures. I thought to myself, Magic already has millions of dollars and still couldn't get financing, what the hell am I supposed to do when I want to start my own company?”

· I can see why Magic Johnson was there, he’s a business man. He owns some Starbucks, TGI Friday's and movie theatres. But what in the hell was Kareem Abdul Jabbar doing there? Why not bring out AC Green and Michael Cooper and have an 80’s Lakers reunion?

· One of my friends had an hour long interview with a company just so they could tell him that they are not currently hiring. What the hell was that about? He said he had a good interview and the recruiter said if they were hiring, he would have hired him.

· I waited an hour for the BB&T Bank recruiter to interview me just for her assistant to tell me that she was finished interviewing for the day.

· Walking in dress shoes for 19 hours hurts like hell. I swear by Friday night my feet looked like this

All in all, it was a good conference. I got to talk to a lot of companies and I met some good contacts for the future. If the economy were better, I probably would have walked away with a job offer. I did however get an interview that I have scheduled for Friday. Next year the conference is in New Orleans and I hope I can attend. This time I will have a better strategy on how to attack a job fair this big.

First Day of School

As I was getting ready to leave the house for work this morning, I heard something I haven’t heard for months this early in the morning, the sound of kids talking. Yes, it’s back to school time. As I drove down the street, past a few bus stops, I realized something. None of these kids were “Fresh to death”. Nobody had on the hot new sneakers, or nothing. I started thinking back to how the first day of school was when I was growing up and one of my most memorable first day of school.

I would always spend the summers in Syracuse New York with my grandmother and my aunts. The thing I loved most was them taking me school shopping right before I went home to Virginia. I would always have clothes that no one else had because I didn’t have to school shop at Coliseum Mall, Newmarket Mall, or god forbid Peddlers Village like the other Newport News city school kids. The summer before my 7th grade year, I got hooked up with all types of nice clothes. I got bout 5 pair of new jeans, 6 or 7 shirts and 2 pair of Nike kicks.

My girl cousins in Syracuse even told me what new outfit to wear first and how to rock it. So when I would get back to Virginia about 2 weeks before school started I already had everything planned out. I took my new clothes in a carry on bag just in case the airline lost my luggage, or the baggage handlers saw my gear and decided to jack me for my new clothes. Then as soon as I got home, I ironed, and hung up my new clothes to make sure they were extra fresh. I ended up trying everything on about 3 more times to make sure it still looked right and to make sure I remembered how my cousins told me to rock each outfit.

So the night before the first day of school came around and I couldn’t sleep that night. Part of it was the anxiety of seeing all of my friends I didn’t see all summer who would be in my class. Some of it was seeing if Tamisha’s booty had gotten “phatter”. But most of it was me lying in the bed staring at that magical first day outfit and all its splendor. I swear, the room was pitch black but I could see that outfit as if it had a spotlight on it.

So after getting what seemed like 4 hours of sleep, it was time to wake up. This was the only morning that my mom didn’t have to wake me up. I was up before her getting showered and ready. I took my doo rag off and massaged my forehead so that I wouldn’t have that line showing by the time I got to school. After eating breakfast, I grabbed my new Reebok Pump book bag and headed to the bus stop.

On my way downstairs the elevator stopped on the 12th floor. I was praying it was Tamisha, who I hadn’t seen all summer because she spent her summer in NC. The elevator door opened and yes, it was her. She was rocking some tight jeans with a fresh hair doo, and yes, her booty had gotten phatter. As soon as I saw her I started smiling. She was like “Look at you with the new gear and new kicks, where you get that from”. I told her I got it in NY, and I could see she was digging that I wasn't going to be rocking the same gear as everyone else.

The rest of the day was me high fiving all of my partners that I hadn’t seen all summer and talking about which chicks came back better or busted. Everything about that first day was great except me getting the meanest teacher in the 7th grade. But even that turned out to be a blessing as she really pushed me throughout the year. I’ve always said that I’m so glad that I never went to private school or had to wear a uniform to school. What fun would the first day of school be if you were wearing the same thing as everyone else?

Hey Mr. DJ.....

Ever since I was a little kid I've always wanted to be a DJ. I remember standing behind the DJ booth at my aunt and uncle's wedding watching the DJ spin the latest jams. I liked how he had control of the party. Every time he put on a new record, the crowd danced harder and had more fun. Every 5 minutes someone would come up to the DJ and give him props because he had the party jumping.

Since then, I've always wanted to be a DJ but I never did it. Well last week I was leaving the gym and the Director told me about the member cookout they were having. Then she asked me if I knew of a DJ that she could hire and she would pay them $300. Well, I aint no damn dummy so I told her I could do it. I never once told her that I had no equipment or experience but for a chance to make $300 in an afternoon, I figured "I got 2 degrees, this can't be that hard".

So the first thing I did was hit up Google to find out where I could rent some speakers and a mixer. Then I hit the hot 99 radio website to find their play list. The gym I go to is mad family friendly (YMCA) so I knew songs like "My Neck, My Back", "Put It In Your Mouth", and "P***Y Poppin" were off limits. I ended up downloading (for free of course) Miley Cyrus aka Hanna Montana, Chris Brown, Rihanna, Jonas Brothers, and the soundtrack for High School Musical.

So Friday, armed with my laptop, 2 rented JBL speakers, a mixer, and 2 virtual turntables (thanks to a pirated copy of Virtual DJ software) I headed to the venue. As I unpack the speakers, open the mixer, and start to set up, I realized I aint know what the hell I was doing. After a call back to the spot where I rented the speakers, I realized that I had the speakers plugged into the wrong channel. So I got that all set up and started cranking the tunes.

Overall it went well. Only one complaint, and that was from some lady who called me rude. I guess she thought I was playing music for no good reason, and didn't realize they were throwing the member cookout. I guess the big ass grill with hot dogs and hamburgers wasn't enough of a clue. Anyway, people danced to my mix of Jackson 5 hits, and I got compliments for playing a wide variety of music. I even got 2 more gigs lined up, and a few more "Do you have a card" inquires. So if anyone needs a DJ, hit me up mistahsmif@hotmail.com. I'll do weddings, quinceaneras, Bar Mitzvah's, Sweet 16's or anything else you can think of.

But I Never Have A Problem With My First Class Seat....

I don't fly that often, but I do hit the sky every now and then. After the drive to San Diego I decided to buy a Buddy Pass for the trip back home. If you don't know, there are rules to flying on a Buddy Pass. With a Buddy Pass you have to fly standby with the lowest priority, but if you get a flight you can fly first class if a seat is available. If people who missed a flight try to get on the flight you want to take, you will be bumped. Therefore, flying on a Friday or Sunday is not a good idea. I was told that flying on a Monday is good because not as many people fly on Monday as they do on Friday and Sunday. So Monday morning I wake up at 4:30 trying to catch the first flight out of San Diego.

We get to the airport and I automatically knew that it was going to be trouble. The airport was packed. The line was crazy just to park and let me out the car. I get inside the airport and the line for my airline was long as hell. After waiting 15 minutes, I check my bag and get my boarding pass. My flight was leaving in 30 minutes, but the TSA line was looking long as hell too. After the 25 minute wait, I rushed to put on my shoes and ran to the terminal for my flight. I get to the counter and the agent tells me that the flight was full. No problem, there was another flight leaving for Atlanta in 1 hour.

So I kill time by going to the airport McDonald's to eat a $10 breakfast of 2 biscuit sandwiches and a drink. After breakfast, I go to the gate for the next flight to Atlanta and it's looking crowded. The agent tells me that this flight is full and gives me another boarding pass for the next flight to Atlanta. That flight comes and goes without me as it is over booked as well. It gets to be noon and I'm still in San Diego. After missing the next 2 flights to Atlanta, it's 6:00 and I'm told my last hope for the evening is to catch the "Red Eye" at 10pm to Atlanta. I'm sitting there getting pissed off and a guy who worked for the airline who was stranded in Atlanta himself starts telling me to look for other flights and not just flying through Atlanta to get to DC and he tells me I can catch the flight he is going to try to take to Salt Lake City and get to DC from there. I tell him that I will take my chances on the "Red Eye" cause I'm not a fan of Salt Lake City. Actually, I hate the damn Utah Jazz and that was my reasoning.

So I sit for a few hours and wait for the red eye to Atlanta. As I'm sitting there I notice a brother, a Spanish chick, and another Spanish chick with her 10 year old daughter all with buddy passes. So we talk and tell each other our horror stories about our day in the airport.

So the boarding starts for the red eye and they are calling about 10 names and the people who they are calling are nowhere in sight. The gate agent runs to the TSA checkpoint to see if they are there held up by security but they're not. So the agent says "OK" and starts calling us Buddy Pass holders to line up. So we line up and we are about to walk down the ramp onto the airplane when them 10 niggas who they were calling come running toward the gate, McDonald's bags in hand. Man I wanted to cuss them bamma ass niggas out so bad. The gate agent tells them that their seats were about to be given away and in true ghetto fashion they say that they were held up by security. Are you serious? When in the hell did TSA start serving Double Quarter Pounders and nuggets? So they board the plane and the agent says that she is going to check to see if any seats were left. I already knew her answer before she came back and told us all the bad news. Not to mention the plane started backing up from the gate before she got back to where we were lined up. So us 5 Buddy Pass holders look at each other and take our seat because we knew we were about to spend the night at the airport.

Talking to the other 4 people I learned that the brother was trying to get home to Atlanta so he could get up the next morning and drive to Chicago to pick up his son and daughter. The Spanish chick that was by her self was trying to get to Texas so she could get her car and drive back to San Diego with her husband. And the Spanish chick with her daughter was in San Diego for a Quincera and was trying to get back to Atlanta to her new born baby that was only 3 weeks old. After talking for a few hours we all start to nod off.

I was sleeping well for sitting on an airport bench when airport security notifies us all that we have to go back to the airport entrance because they had to do a security sweep. So we all walk over there and get in line to get boarding passes. The agent told me that my best bet was to go through Salt Lake City because the Atlanta flight was overbooked. After getting my boarding pass for the Salt Lake City flight and a grande coffee from Starbucks I head to the gate.

The area is packed, and I knew I would not make this flight either. As I'm waiting this crazy looking chick starts telling me about how she just got back from Jamaica and how the US exploits Jamaica and how impoverished Jamaica is. I mean I like Shabba Ranks, Beanie Man, and weed like the next person, but I just wasn't trying to hear what she was telling me. Then she asks me to watch her bag so she can go to Starbucks. I agree, even though I knew I wasn't supposed to and she came back and gave me a sandwich that she bought me for watching her bag. I tell her thank you and receive the bad news that the flight to SLC was full. I take my sandwich and walk towards the Atlanta flight, but I knew that flight was full as the 4 people who spent the night with me at the airport was still waiting.

As I walked away in disgust, I hear the final boarding call for a flight to New York. I asked the agent if there was room and there was, so he printed me a pass and I walked on the airplane. I looked at my pass for my seat assignment and see that I'm in seat 3D. Yesssss, First Class. Then I remembered them Atlanta niggas who came at the last minute and decided not to get happy until we were up in the air. Well this time, there was no surprises and we were off.

First Class was lovely. Big ass leather seats, breakfast, drinks, and free TV. So after my breakfast with all the trimmins and 4 vodka and tonics I leaned back in my leather seat and watched 2 episodes of The Wire. After landing at JFK airport I had to catch a shuttle to Laguardia, run through that airport like OJ Simpson just to catch my flight to DC. Well I made it back to DC. Thanks to my lucky sandwich which I held in my hand for the entire flight from San Diego to NY and NY to DC. And I made it to DC 39 hours after I originally got to the San Diego airport.

Road Trip Part 2

Day 2 of the road trip was very lack luster. We left West Memphis Arkansas at about 9am. Arkansas was one of the worst states to drive through. That is until we got to Oklahoma. Oklahoma was just as boring as Arkansas, maybe even worse. So we ended up stopping at a subway in some remote part of Oklahoma, which was across the street from the oldest Wal-Mart in America. We went inside the Wal-Mart for some supplies and those folks were looking at us like we were the first black people to ever step foot in that Wal-Mart. Then I realized that we probably were the first black people to step foot in that Wal-Mart.

After leaving the state of Oklahoma, we entered Texas. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a Redskins fan, so anything that has to do with Dallas and the state of Texas can eat a fat one. Well my cousin is also a Redskins fan so it was only right that we pull over on the side of the road to piss on the state of Texas. Our next stop was at a What A Burger in Amarillo,TX. I don’t usually eat fast food anymore, but back in my college days What A Burger was one of my favorites (and the ketchup they use is the best ketchup ever), so I had to order a double What A Burger with cheese. After dinner, we kept driving until we reached Albuquerque NM and got a hotel room.

Day 3 started in New Mexico and took us into Arizona. So while we were driving through Arizona, we saw signs for the Grand Canyon. After using my trusty Blackberry phone, equipped with Google maps, I realized that the Grand Canyon was only an hour out of the way so we decided to check it out. After driving on a road with a 100 foot drop off and no guard rail, we reached the Grand Canyon. It was cool and I got some good pictures, but I think the bigger of the 2 parks was another hour out of the way. We pull up to the park and notice that there is a toll booth. $25 to see the Grand Canyon? How in the hell are they allowed to make you pay to look at a big ass hole in the ground. That’s like charging $25 to look at the Potomac. But since we had already paid we were like F-it.After we left the Grand Canyon out next stop was Phoenix.

I know people say that desert heat is different and sometimes better than east coast humid heat, but I have to disagree. I stepped out the car at El Pollo Loco in Phoenix, and it felt like a sauna. I thought we had parked next to an open oven. I realized that there is no way I could live in Phoenix. So after we left Phoenix we entered Yuma Arizona where it was 102 degrees at 10:00 pm. 3 hours later we were in San Diego where it was 75 degrees. I don’t know how the temperature changed so drastically in 3 hours, but as hot as it was in Arizona I didn’t care.

San Diego was a cool city. Of course we hit Tijuana where a cab driver offered to take us to see a "donkey show", and little kids were trying to sell everything from Chickletts to necklaces. Tijuana is also where they will pull you into a club, literally grab you by the head and throw a shot of tequilla down your throat. Then charge you $5 for it.

We also ended up going to a San Diego Padres game for $9. I spent more on beer than I did on the damn game. Over all, it was a good trip. That is until I tried to leave San Diego...... To Be Continued..........