Do you remember that epic ass whipping that you got as a kid (or teenager) that forever changed your life? I’m talking, an ass whipping so good that to this day you haven’t done that deed that got ya ass whipped again.
I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was about 6 or 7 when this happened. It was a school night and I had just gotten out of the bathtub. I smelled like Mr. Bubble and had on my fresh 
Tanto (Yes, the Lone Ranger's sidekick) Underoos. I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom talking on the phone. She put the receiver down and told me that she would fix me a bowl of ice cream when she got off the phone. So I sat in the kitchen for what seemed like hours but in all actually it was probably more like 2 or 3 minutes. So feeling bored, I decided to go into the living room to pass the time until my mom finally got off the phone and started scooping the ice cream. While in the living room something came over me (temporary insanity) and I decided to pass the time by jumping on the couch. Man, was I having fun. I jumped from one end to the other, did twists; even did poses in mid air before landing back on the couch. I was having so much fun, I didn’t notice that my mom had come around the corner and saw me jumping on the couch.
Tanto (Yes, the Lone Ranger's sidekick) Underoos. I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom talking on the phone. She put the receiver down and told me that she would fix me a bowl of ice cream when she got off the phone. So I sat in the kitchen for what seemed like hours but in all actually it was probably more like 2 or 3 minutes. So feeling bored, I decided to go into the living room to pass the time until my mom finally got off the phone and started scooping the ice cream. While in the living room something came over me (temporary insanity) and I decided to pass the time by jumping on the couch. Man, was I having fun. I jumped from one end to the other, did twists; even did poses in mid air before landing back on the couch. I was having so much fun, I didn’t notice that my mom had come around the corner and saw me jumping on the couch.Next thing I know I hear her say to whoever was on the phone “Girl, this boy done lost his damn mind jumping on my couch. I’m bout to beat his ass, and I’m gonna call you right back”. Knowing that I was bout to get an ass whipping, the first thing I thought to do was run. If I ran and jumped in the bed maybe I could just get away with having to go to bed with no ice cream. Or if she started swinging the belt, I could use the covers as protection. But it was too late. By the time I decided to run, my mom had hung up the phone, went to the room, and got the belt. Man she whipped my ass. And I had just gotten out the tub and was still damp so the belt had an extra sting to it (kind of like getting snapped with a towel after getting out of the swimming pool). And my mom used to talk and whip my ass in syllables. You know, “Boy, you, must, be, out, yo, mind, jumpin, on, my, couch, like, you, cra-zy……..”.
So after what seemed like an eternity of an ass whippin I was sent to bed (no ice cream of course). So while I was lying in bed still trying to catch my breath, I get the worst insult to injury ever. I hear my mom get back on the phone and say “Girl, I whipped his ass good”. I mean it’s bad enough she whipped my ass like my name was Toby, but she was bragging about it. Well apparently that ass whipping taught me a lesson. To this day I have not jumped on a couch. Not even my own couch that I paid for with my own money. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe one day, I’ll get the courage to jump on my couch, but right now I still feel the effects of that mighty ass whipping.
